Where did the summer go? (This is a long one...)

I have wanted to post several times this summer, but have realized that my thoughts are just so deeply personal and up and down from day-to-day that they are better channeled in my journal. 

First of all, thank you to everyone who has been saying prayers for our friend's baby. She is doing better. She is still in the NICU and is not done fighting, but she is getting stronger every day. Her parents are hopeful that she'll be able to come home soon. If you could, please continue to keep them in your prayers!

Back in June, when school ended, I was very emotional as I said good-be to my kids. They were an amazing bunch and if it weren't for their smiling faces and wonderful little personalities, I don't know that I would've been able to return to work after having Leah. My Principal and the Guidance Counselor helped me tell my class (after informing their parents) what was going to happen to with Leah. I'm not sure that they all understood exactly, but they knew that it was sad and that I was sad. Along with Bryce, my students and colleagues were the reason that I was able to get myself out of bed and go to work. Each day was filled with tons of hugs and kind words from them. When I returned to work after Leah passed, the hugs continued and they loved to ask questions about Leah as well as hearing my daily stories about Bryce. Saying good-bye to that class was tough. They will always have a very special place in my heart. 

My sister came to visit for a week and life was good! We made it our goal to go to a different beach everyday. I think we both gained 5lbs by trying out some new restaurants and having picnics on the beach. Bryce loved the water and playing in the sand:) He is definitely a Florida boy and my water baby!

The following week was rough! I pretty much turned my phone off and didn't talk to anyone. I didn't want to... I was missing Leah sooo badly. I just wanted to hold her and snuggle with her. I had also decided that week, that I was nowhere near ready to try for another child soon. Originally, I thought that around 6 months after Leah would be good to start trying... (because I could have the baby over the summer and not have to take a leave form work) but then I started thinking about going in for the 19/20 week ultrasound... and to be honest, I don't know if I can handle that again. I already have anxiety about it. Then, thanks to "A Baby Story" on TLC, (which I NEVER watch)... I saw that it was about a couple who had lost twins and were expecting a new baby. I HAD to watch it. I think I cried more than the lady giving birth - which was a lot... I had just never let myself think about how emotional it would be to go through pregnancy again. I do want more babies... I just don't know how soon it will be. (This is not written in stone... so don't be surprised if we change our minds!) I also know that God has His plan. It seemed as if it took forever to get pregnant with Bryce and then Leah was just a snap of His fingers. You would think I've learned my lesson about planning...

That same week, I got to meet Danielle, the wonderful woman and now friend that made Leah's dress! I know I already posted about it - but it was amazing to just sit and talk with someone who just understands. I desperately needed that!!!! Thanks, Danielle:)

I made it a priority after allowing myself to grieve deeply, to start making plans with my girl friends and setting play dates up for Bryce. I needed something to keep my spirits up. One of the play dates was story time at the library. This was our second time going, but this time it was packed with ladies that were either pregnant or had newborn babies. I was literally shaking and wanted nothing more than to just pick up Bryce and run out of there screaming! I thought things were getting easier, but they're not. *The library play date was not ruined - Bryce had a great time and I got to enjoy Mommy time.* And the rest of the play dates were great too:)

We have been visiting Leah's memorial pretty much once a week. Bryce asks to "go see Leah." Or "buy Leah flowers." - He is such a great big brother! When we were leaving last week, he said, "Bye Leah, see you, love you!" (For now...we have just told Bryce that Leah is in Heaven. And we can talk to her all the time, but we can take her flowers and gifts to the cemetery.) I still struggle with how much to tell an almost 2 year old. But we have just been taking his cues. He remembers that Mommy had a baby in her belly and recognizes Leah in pictures. He knows that she is his sister and now she's in Heaven. Every now and then he says that other people or toys are in Heaven too! We just try to redirect him that only Leah is in Heaven and then tell him the cities or places where the other people really are.

Jason has been busy with work and out of town a lot. That being said, I really feel like our family and the two of us are closer than we've ever been. We have both been dealing with Leah's death in different ways, but are ultimately the person that the other one turns to. Everything now revolves around the 3 of us and mainly, Bryce. I still am overly protective of him, but I did let a friend watch him so that Jason and I could celebrate our anniversary with a date night!

I hate grief... I hate being sad.... I hate never knowing when it's going to hit and when it hits even harder. It's real. It's painful. It sucks. Everyday for the rest of our lives, we are going to miss our daughter. There is nothing that anyone can do or say to take that pain away. We are never going to stop talking about her, how much she means to us, or how much we miss her. I just never realized how random grief is. One week things are going well and the next day I may cry 4 or 5 times. It's never the same things either. It could be a smell, a sound, a pregnant person, a baby, a song on the radio that I would sing when I was pregnant, a butterfly... the list goes on.

What makes me even more upset are the people that I thought would be there the most for us, aren't. Many people are... even people that I didn't expect... but I guess it just comes down to people not being comfortable with death, reality, or even how to approach a conversation with us. Personally, the best thing someone can say is "how are you doing?" I hate when I mention Leah and people just keep talking like I didn't say anything. Or think it's so "cute" that my son now carries a pink blanket around... I know that most people just don't get it - how could they? Unless you've been there, you have no idea of the pain of never getting to make memories that most people mourn at the death of a loved one (generally an older person - or at least someone who has had time to live life.) We are forever grateful to those that continue to support us through this journey. Your visits, calls, and texts to "check in" are really appreciated!! Please continue to keep us in your prayers!

I have also continued to read books about coping and grieving and speaking to our counselor at Hospice. I have been reassured through these resources that what we are feeling and going through is only normal and that there is no set pattern to how the grieving process affects one family to the next, one person to another. We keep holding on tight and leaning on each other for support.

So it's been an interesting summer. It's been full of joyful moments as a family, times spent with friends, and watching Bryce live life to the fullest. But it's also been a bumpy road. We're coming up on 5 months in a few days, and in a few weeks Bryce's 2nd birthday!!, (Which is also when we found out we were expecting Leah last year.) and the beginning of a new school year. I know that it will be rough to be back in school and not spending my days with Bryce, but I'm glad that my mind will be occupied with all of the "teacher things" that I need to be focused on (instead of dwelling on the things that could've been). I am excited to meet my new class and to embark on a new year of adventures... whatever they may be!!!