Today is the day that Leah would've turned 6 months old. I have been wondering for weeks now what I would feel on this day - half a year since we met and said good-be to our beautiful little love. Half a year... Wow.... Has it really been that long? It hit me hard this morning after I dropped Bryce off at school and drove off to work- the beautiful colors of the sun rising over the city and the water sent me into a sobbing mess - yes, while driving... I was able to compose myself (or so I thought) before a team meeting. (Later, I found out that I didn't hide it so well.) At lunch, I huffed and sat down in my chair and my teammates asked if I was okay - all I could do was shake my head no and just cry.... sooo embarrassing, even when surrounded by friends. Throughout the day I continued to hold back the floodgates. I had big plans for visiting Leah's memorial today and adding a few nice touches to personalize her space a little more, including reading Bryce a new book about Heaven. The dreary rain had other ideas, so we had to make it quick. No story, no hanging around to chat, just enough time to do what we needed to do. Jason, Bryce, and I quickly arranged her flowers, which Bryce now proudly puts into the vase and "arranges" himself. We shared how much we miss her and love her and left with Bryce blowing her kisses:)
Many things have been running through my mind lately but there are three that stand out the most and make me cry the hardest.
#1 Recalling sitting in the Funeral Director's office and discussing funeral options for my unborn baby who was maving and kicking in my belly as we found out about funerals:( There's just something totally wrong with that picture to me. I will say though, that going there beforehand, made everything easier afterwards because we were able to have our decisions made - and I do love the way her service turned out.
#2 Meeting Leah and holding her, kissing her, and loving on her and not knowing which breath would be her last:( It was happiness and sadness at the same exact time.
#3Handing Leah off to the nurse after saying our good-byes and holding her and kissing her for the very last time. That was just pure torture.
I thought that I had come to grips with some of this until last week when I had to go downtown for a doctor's appointment. It didn't occur to me that I hadn't been around the hospital since the day we came home from the hospital empty handed. I was shaking as soon as I saw the hospital and all of the specialists buildings we visited throughout my pregnancy with Leah. It also didn't help that the doctos's office was only a few doors away from the neonatologist that we met with. My doctor did a great job trying to keep things light and airy... but I started bawling as soon as I saw her. She said that she wouldn't take it personally and kew that I associated her with Leah... She's the best. She took some extra time to ask about how I'm dealing with things, how Bryce is doing, and even Jason! I like that she ended our converation with "See you soon." - not "see you in a year";)
Now to back track a little....
Our family was honored to be chosen as a local newspapers "Family of the Month!" We had an early morning beach photo shoot for the cover of the paper, an interview, and dinner with the publisher. It was all a little surreal, but fun and exciting too. We were told that we were chosen due to our unique situation and positive outlook of dealing with the loss of a child and trying to expand our family. It was exciting to know that Leah's story could possibly be reaching 75,000 people in our area!
This article also served as a way for me to introduce my family to my new class of 4th graders. They thought it was really cool that I was on the cover of a newspaper and were interested in knowing more about Leah since many of them saw me and knew that I was pregnant last year. This class is very motivated and very sweet - it's going to be another great year!!
Bryce turned 2 at the beginning of August and we celebrated with a big "Cars" party. Many family and friends attended - probably a little more of a celebration than was necessary for a 2 year old, but he deserved every second of the love for him that day. He has provided Jason and I with more love and affection and helped us not fall too deeply in our grief. He IS the reason that we get out of bed everyday! We're so proud of the little man that he's becoming - he's so smart and loving and is wise beyond his 2 years. He loves babies and cares about his Baby Sister so much!
We attended a fund-raiser for another Hospice family in August. Gracie's Big Splash was amazing! It was so well thought out and planned and everyone there was having a wonderful time. The best part was the fire truck (Bryce's favorite) that came and sprayed water for all of the children to run through - in addition to the bounce house type water slides. Attending this memorial fund-raiser gave me a lot of hope and inspiration to start getting the ball rolling with something in Leah's memory. I simply will not be happy with being a by-stander to my daughter's death. I still don't know the what or how to.... but something positive will come of this life changing event!
At the beginning of summer, we also found out that there were more pictures from our NILMDTS photographer. We are still waiting to receive them as we understand that summer is wedding season! I am just elated that there are more pictures and memories of Leah that we will get to hold near and dear to us:)
Speaking of amazing people... I found a site of a mother who lost her baby girl to Thanatophoric Dysplasia as well. She is using her daughter's memory to embroider names and footprints onto baby's quilts for their parents to cherish. I found this site just as I thought I might lose my mind with worry. The plaster that Leah's hands and feet are molded in is starting to crack!! It was making me sick at the thought of not having a place to put my hand over hers or to touch her tiny, little perfect toes. Enter Butterfly Kisses! I just got an email today saying that our blanket is next and I can't wait to see the finished product and be able to feel the imprints of Leah's hands and feet:)
I know that some other events worth mentioning probably occured over the past month, but I am too tired and drained to write any more tonight. Hopefully I'll find my camera cord soon and be able to post a few pictures!! Regardless of our grief, we know that God will continue to bless us in many ways and are thankful for each and every day He gives us! Thanks for reading and continuing to pray for us as we walk this unending journey driven by grief. I trust that in time, the heartache will be less, though never forgotten!
Many things have been running through my mind lately but there are three that stand out the most and make me cry the hardest.
#1 Recalling sitting in the Funeral Director's office and discussing funeral options for my unborn baby who was maving and kicking in my belly as we found out about funerals:( There's just something totally wrong with that picture to me. I will say though, that going there beforehand, made everything easier afterwards because we were able to have our decisions made - and I do love the way her service turned out.
#2 Meeting Leah and holding her, kissing her, and loving on her and not knowing which breath would be her last:( It was happiness and sadness at the same exact time.
#3Handing Leah off to the nurse after saying our good-byes and holding her and kissing her for the very last time. That was just pure torture.
I thought that I had come to grips with some of this until last week when I had to go downtown for a doctor's appointment. It didn't occur to me that I hadn't been around the hospital since the day we came home from the hospital empty handed. I was shaking as soon as I saw the hospital and all of the specialists buildings we visited throughout my pregnancy with Leah. It also didn't help that the doctos's office was only a few doors away from the neonatologist that we met with. My doctor did a great job trying to keep things light and airy... but I started bawling as soon as I saw her. She said that she wouldn't take it personally and kew that I associated her with Leah... She's the best. She took some extra time to ask about how I'm dealing with things, how Bryce is doing, and even Jason! I like that she ended our converation with "See you soon." - not "see you in a year";)
Now to back track a little....
Our family was honored to be chosen as a local newspapers "Family of the Month!" We had an early morning beach photo shoot for the cover of the paper, an interview, and dinner with the publisher. It was all a little surreal, but fun and exciting too. We were told that we were chosen due to our unique situation and positive outlook of dealing with the loss of a child and trying to expand our family. It was exciting to know that Leah's story could possibly be reaching 75,000 people in our area!
This article also served as a way for me to introduce my family to my new class of 4th graders. They thought it was really cool that I was on the cover of a newspaper and were interested in knowing more about Leah since many of them saw me and knew that I was pregnant last year. This class is very motivated and very sweet - it's going to be another great year!!
Bryce turned 2 at the beginning of August and we celebrated with a big "Cars" party. Many family and friends attended - probably a little more of a celebration than was necessary for a 2 year old, but he deserved every second of the love for him that day. He has provided Jason and I with more love and affection and helped us not fall too deeply in our grief. He IS the reason that we get out of bed everyday! We're so proud of the little man that he's becoming - he's so smart and loving and is wise beyond his 2 years. He loves babies and cares about his Baby Sister so much!
We attended a fund-raiser for another Hospice family in August. Gracie's Big Splash was amazing! It was so well thought out and planned and everyone there was having a wonderful time. The best part was the fire truck (Bryce's favorite) that came and sprayed water for all of the children to run through - in addition to the bounce house type water slides. Attending this memorial fund-raiser gave me a lot of hope and inspiration to start getting the ball rolling with something in Leah's memory. I simply will not be happy with being a by-stander to my daughter's death. I still don't know the what or how to.... but something positive will come of this life changing event!
At the beginning of summer, we also found out that there were more pictures from our NILMDTS photographer. We are still waiting to receive them as we understand that summer is wedding season! I am just elated that there are more pictures and memories of Leah that we will get to hold near and dear to us:)
Speaking of amazing people... I found a site of a mother who lost her baby girl to Thanatophoric Dysplasia as well. She is using her daughter's memory to embroider names and footprints onto baby's quilts for their parents to cherish. I found this site just as I thought I might lose my mind with worry. The plaster that Leah's hands and feet are molded in is starting to crack!! It was making me sick at the thought of not having a place to put my hand over hers or to touch her tiny, little perfect toes. Enter Butterfly Kisses! I just got an email today saying that our blanket is next and I can't wait to see the finished product and be able to feel the imprints of Leah's hands and feet:)
I know that some other events worth mentioning probably occured over the past month, but I am too tired and drained to write any more tonight. Hopefully I'll find my camera cord soon and be able to post a few pictures!! Regardless of our grief, we know that God will continue to bless us in many ways and are thankful for each and every day He gives us! Thanks for reading and continuing to pray for us as we walk this unending journey driven by grief. I trust that in time, the heartache will be less, though never forgotten!
2 comments:
<3 hugs <3 The six month mark was hard on me too. I love that your family is being honored and others will hear of Leah's story as well as learn about your amazing and beautiful family! The three things you mentioned, I thought myself when Lilly was here on earth. And my six month appointment was the closest I had been to the hospital that delivered Lilly. I have yet to visit that hospital. Sending <3 hugs <3
I love that you are getting a blanket to have and hold! I can't wait to see it and to "feel" Leah's prints. Love you all!!! XOXO
Dolores
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