Last week we received Leah's blanket from the wonderful Mommy at Butterfly Kisses! As soon as I opened the box, I immediately put my finger into Leah's tiny little "paw print." I took the blanket and raised it to my cheek.... and that's when the tears started to flow! It's so absolutely amazing to have this wonderful gift (two fold - by my former student's Mom and Butterfly Kisses) and we are forever grateful to them both. But it's so unfair that we can only touch our daughter's hands and feet because they're embroidered on a blanket. It's very bittersweet. The next morning, before school, I showed Bryce the blanket. He immediately put her hand prints up to his face, smiled, and as he turned to run away with it, yelled, "Mine!" I felt speechless as I turned to Jason and said, "Did you see what he just did? That's what I did last night!" It was such a sweet moment... then I realized that I may never get to claim the blanket as mine if I didn't catch Bryce soon. When he sees it now he calls it, "Mommy's Leah blanket!"
I was able to have lunch with the Momma who made the quilt for Leah this week. It was so great to see her. We sat down outside of the cafe waiting for her son's class to arrive to lunch. As I told her about Bryce and how we all were doing, a butterfly was swooping back and forth above our heads - I couldn't believe it! It was just a wonderful reminder to me that everything that happens is meant to happen. I felt that I was exactly where I was supposed to be at that moment in time. The quilt that I had packed away in Bryce's changing table drawer (I wasn't sure what else to do with it.) now had a very specific purpose - a constant reminder of our sweet Baby Leah.
On the other hand, I've been very hurt by the remarks that people make about us needing to "get over it," "get help," or "move on with our lives." I usually just smile and walk away, but as much as I try to shrug off the comments, they dig in, even after the fact. We have just finally come to the realization that no one understands an ounce of what we are going through and what the loss of child really means unless it has happened to them. It's still hard to digest that our family is no longer what we thought it was going to be. Obviously, God has other plans for us and we will accept what He gives us. It is not easy at all. We will never "get over" the fact that Leah, our second child, didn't have a chance to live the life we wanted so badly for her. It would "help" if people just said, "I'm not sure what to say," or "What can I do to help you feel better?" instead of trying to offer advice that is well-intentioned, but so hurtful. And our lives are "moving on." We are Mommy & Daddy to Bryce, go to work everyday, and have fun when we all have time together. We do believe that in time, things will get easier, but there's not one single day that either of us go without a thought or a memory of Leah passing through or mind or our lips. Moving on is a lot easier said than done...
Dear World,
I am NOT pregnant! But thank you so much for reminding me that I have yet to lose the rest of my baby weight because I can't bring myself to lose a single ounce of it. And thank you for insisting, even after I tell you I'm not pregnant, that that's what the rumor mill is saying so it must be true. Or maybe poking my belly and saying "Yes, there's a baby in there." will make it true. (Yes, it's happened several times!) I know that everyone will be happy for us when the time does come. Please be rest assured that we will share our wonderful news when we are good and ready (and not a second before!). But until then, please leave the self-conscious girl with the belly alone.
Thank you!
Kim
I apologize if this post comes off as bitter, and maybe I am. (The waves of grief have been rolling in and out! - Completely normal from what I've been told!) But there's only so much that I can take. I do have to say that for the most part, our main support system is AMAZING and we are so thankful for those that are truly there for us whenever and however we need them. If it weren't for the ones that continue to lift us up in prayer, we'd be drowning in our tears. One day, I know it won't be THIS hard...
I was able to have lunch with the Momma who made the quilt for Leah this week. It was so great to see her. We sat down outside of the cafe waiting for her son's class to arrive to lunch. As I told her about Bryce and how we all were doing, a butterfly was swooping back and forth above our heads - I couldn't believe it! It was just a wonderful reminder to me that everything that happens is meant to happen. I felt that I was exactly where I was supposed to be at that moment in time. The quilt that I had packed away in Bryce's changing table drawer (I wasn't sure what else to do with it.) now had a very specific purpose - a constant reminder of our sweet Baby Leah.
On the other hand, I've been very hurt by the remarks that people make about us needing to "get over it," "get help," or "move on with our lives." I usually just smile and walk away, but as much as I try to shrug off the comments, they dig in, even after the fact. We have just finally come to the realization that no one understands an ounce of what we are going through and what the loss of child really means unless it has happened to them. It's still hard to digest that our family is no longer what we thought it was going to be. Obviously, God has other plans for us and we will accept what He gives us. It is not easy at all. We will never "get over" the fact that Leah, our second child, didn't have a chance to live the life we wanted so badly for her. It would "help" if people just said, "I'm not sure what to say," or "What can I do to help you feel better?" instead of trying to offer advice that is well-intentioned, but so hurtful. And our lives are "moving on." We are Mommy & Daddy to Bryce, go to work everyday, and have fun when we all have time together. We do believe that in time, things will get easier, but there's not one single day that either of us go without a thought or a memory of Leah passing through or mind or our lips. Moving on is a lot easier said than done...
Dear World,
I am NOT pregnant! But thank you so much for reminding me that I have yet to lose the rest of my baby weight because I can't bring myself to lose a single ounce of it. And thank you for insisting, even after I tell you I'm not pregnant, that that's what the rumor mill is saying so it must be true. Or maybe poking my belly and saying "Yes, there's a baby in there." will make it true. (Yes, it's happened several times!) I know that everyone will be happy for us when the time does come. Please be rest assured that we will share our wonderful news when we are good and ready (and not a second before!). But until then, please leave the self-conscious girl with the belly alone.
Thank you!
Kim
I apologize if this post comes off as bitter, and maybe I am. (The waves of grief have been rolling in and out! - Completely normal from what I've been told!) But there's only so much that I can take. I do have to say that for the most part, our main support system is AMAZING and we are so thankful for those that are truly there for us whenever and however we need them. If it weren't for the ones that continue to lift us up in prayer, we'd be drowning in our tears. One day, I know it won't be THIS hard...
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