As the summer passed by, I found myself thinking often about what a different place I am in this year.
Just a year ago, losing Leah was such a fresh memory.
It had been only months.
I cried EVERY day.
I looked at her pictures EVERY day.
I talked about her EVERY day.
I shut myself out from the world and just wanted it all to go away. I didn't want the nightmare that we had lived through to be my reality. I mean, who would ever think that one minute you'd be holding your sweet baby and the next a nurse would walk out the door with her and never bring her back? The fact that I carried her for 34 weeks and 5 days safely in my belly and alive, delivered her alive, spent time with her alive... but didn't bring her home...crushed every part of my being. Most days, I was able to put on a happy face and get through my days. Some days were so rough... I just never knew what was going to be the trigger that would send me spiraling downward.
This year, I feel like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders back in March as we celebrated Leah's 1st Birthday. We made it! We made it through the first year of sadness, pain, and grief. And at the end of the day, we still had so much to be thankful for - our beautiful daughter's life and all of the joy that she still brings us! I just feel like I smile more genuinely and because I want to, not because I should. I know that God placed Leah in our lives for a reason and each day, I am more grateful that he did:) It's also nice to know that Leah has not been forgotten by our friends and family. Even when someone just randomly mentions her name, my face lights up (even it there are still (happy) tears that go along with it).
Now, almost a year and a half later...
I still look at her pictures EVERY day.
I still talk about her EVERY day.
But I no longer cry every day:) - And when I do, it's more often than not...tears of joy.
I feel like we are living life again. Not the life that we planned for ourselves, but the life that God has planned for us. And you know what - it feels better knowing that I don't have to control everything. (Even though I still have my moments where I try, lol).
Just a year ago, losing Leah was such a fresh memory.
It had been only months.
I cried EVERY day.
I looked at her pictures EVERY day.
I talked about her EVERY day.
I shut myself out from the world and just wanted it all to go away. I didn't want the nightmare that we had lived through to be my reality. I mean, who would ever think that one minute you'd be holding your sweet baby and the next a nurse would walk out the door with her and never bring her back? The fact that I carried her for 34 weeks and 5 days safely in my belly and alive, delivered her alive, spent time with her alive... but didn't bring her home...crushed every part of my being. Most days, I was able to put on a happy face and get through my days. Some days were so rough... I just never knew what was going to be the trigger that would send me spiraling downward.
This year, I feel like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders back in March as we celebrated Leah's 1st Birthday. We made it! We made it through the first year of sadness, pain, and grief. And at the end of the day, we still had so much to be thankful for - our beautiful daughter's life and all of the joy that she still brings us! I just feel like I smile more genuinely and because I want to, not because I should. I know that God placed Leah in our lives for a reason and each day, I am more grateful that he did:) It's also nice to know that Leah has not been forgotten by our friends and family. Even when someone just randomly mentions her name, my face lights up (even it there are still (happy) tears that go along with it).
Now, almost a year and a half later...
I still look at her pictures EVERY day.
I still talk about her EVERY day.
But I no longer cry every day:) - And when I do, it's more often than not...tears of joy.
I feel like we are living life again. Not the life that we planned for ourselves, but the life that God has planned for us. And you know what - it feels better knowing that I don't have to control everything. (Even though I still have my moments where I try, lol).
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