On the morning of April 4th, I had a feeling. I wasn't sure that my instinct was right because it had failed me a few months before. As I was getting ready for work, I took a pregnancy test...
It was POSITIVE!
I honestly wasn't sure whether or not to believe it, but I learned my lesson when pregnant with Bryce to only use the digital tests - there was no mistaking how many lines you could see. The result was clear as day.
PREGNANT
I was so excited that I immediately prayed a prayer of thankfulness and in the same breath asked for a healthy baby that we would be able to bring home.
I took my shower, got dressed, and then went into Bryce's room to help get him ready for school. I told Jason I wanted to show him something and held up the test.
I don't think that I've ever really seen someone jump for joy... but boy did he! His reaction, "Really?" I just nodded my head as I was speechless and now consumed with tears of happiness, excitement, and fear.
Jason gave me the biggest hug ever, then turned to Bryce and said, "Bryce, you're going to be a big brother again!" Bryce just looked at Jason and said, "I am?"
I'm quite sure that both Jason and I walked around with silly grins on our faces for a few days.
(Best. Secret. Ever!)
We decided later that day that we once again were going to keep this secret until we knew that everything was going to be okay. Not only did I not want to get OUR hopes up, I didn't want the job of disappointing other people again. I called my doctor and scheduled an appointment.
Seven weeks into my pregnancy, we sat in the doctor's office waiting anxiously. When the nurse came out to get me, she quipped, "You sure do love us here, don't you?" She confirmed that I was pregnant and my due date of 12/12/12! At that moment - I began hoping that this meant some kind of luck for us. My doctor hugged me when she came into the room and had a plan already laid out for how we could approach this pregnancy differently. First, I would get an ultrasound that day to confirm that baby was growing appropriately. Then, bet 14-18 weeks, I would go to the Perinatologist for my anatomy scan that they would normally do in the office. This way we could bypass any waiting in case something were to come up. If any further testing needed to be done, we could do it right then and there. Doing the scan earlier would also, hopefully, reduce my anxiety about being pregnant again. I would be scheduled for a c-section at 39 weeks (due to my previous 2). Last, she asked if I would mind staying on as her private patient again (the office has approx. 7 doctors), which I gladly accepted. I did not want to go through all of my fears and worries at every appointment having to recount my experience with Leah. It was great to know that she would fully know and understand all of my crazy thoughts that may pop into my head during this pregnancy. We were so happy that she was prepared and had a plan in place!
We had to go back into the waiting room before the ultrasound. We talked about how we liked the plan that was in place and started joking about having twins. I think we have done this before every initial ultrasound for each of our babies. Just the thought of "What if there are really 2 babies?" or "Wouldn't it be cool to have twins and be done?" We always just laugh it off and hope for a healthy baby.
The ultrasound tech was a new bubbly girl - and that made me happy. I don't have fond memories of the woman who scanned me for Leah and kept making faces at the screen. She scanned me for a bit and then called in the doctor. They were talking to each other for a minute and we heard whispers of "2 sacs" and "1 heartbeat." My doctor turned to us and said something like "Well, it looks at though you conceived twins. There are 2 sacs, but only 1 of them has a heartbeat and is growing quite perfectly." She must have seen the look on my face (excitement, then horror), and quickly added, "You just need to concentrate on the fact that you have 1 very healthy, perfect baby. The other will just reabsorb back into your uterus." "Okay," was all that I could mutter. After she left, I remember asking the technician if that was weird... I meant to say rare, common, etc., but my mind wasn't working correctly... All I could think was, "We lost another one?" She said that it wasn't weird, but didn't elaborate. She gave us a few pictures, wished us luck and off we went.
I cried all the way home. First, the shock that I actually had been pregnant with twins! (OMG!) Then, the sadness that one either hadn't fully developed or had already had a brief life. That night was full of computer research that I swore I would never do again! This time, it proved helpful and not quite as scary. What we were experiencing was called Vanishing Twin Syndrome. It is actually very common, but many people never know due to not having an early ultrasound. This made me feel a tiny bit better, but weighed heavily on me for several weeks after.
Actually, it was still weighing on my mind in July, when we finally got to have our anatomy scan at the Perinatologist. I actually thought that maybe the other baby had been developing and was just behind at the earlier ultrasound - I was super sick during my 1st Trimester - so in my mind I was thinking, "It must be twins!" The Perinatologist.... It made me sick to my stomach. Starting probably 3 or 4 days before, I was getting sick and crying just thinking about returning to the same building, same doctor, same room as we had with Leah. I didn't even want to know if we were having a boy or a girl, I just wanted the peace of mind of knowing that this baby was HEALTHY!
We decided to take Bryce with us to the appointment, even knowing that we could get bad news. Bryce insisted from the moment we told him we were expecting again that the baby was a "Princess." Jason said that it would probably be a good idea to find out the gender, as I was completely opposed this time around, so that Bryce could get used to the idea of his new sibling a little easier. Score 1 point for Daddy - great thinking! I was certainly not going to be the one to burst his bubble of having a Princess if it turned out to be a boy. We'll let the ultrasound technician do the convincing!
Our technician was a very nice girl who had an intern shadowing her. This was actually pretty nice because she was explaining every little thing that she was measuring and seeing in detail. As she was doing this, I was going through a checklist in my head: Brain development - good. Heart chambers - all there and working well. Heartbeat - excellent. Bone structure - good. Bone length - perfect! She even mentioned what long legs the baby had! This was HUGE news! We knew that our chance of having another baby with Thanataphoric Dysplasia was less than 1%, but hearing that this baby's bones were normal was music to our ears! So far, so good. Oh, and by this point, there was no mention of twins - so we really were only having 1 baby. Next, she said she had a perfect shot to tell us our baby's gender and asked if we wanted to know. Hesitantly, I said yes, and told her that Big Brother kept telling us that it was a Princess. She scanned for another minute and announced, "Well, Big Brother was right - you're having a Princess!" I immediately started bawling as she handed me some tissues. I hadn't realized until that very moment how badly my heart ached for another baby girl. I was so happy!!! I looked over and Jason had tears in his eyes but a HUGE smile on his face and Bryce's smile was just a big.
They say that children hold the secrets to the world, and I firmly believe it. Bryce was definitely clued in about our new "Princess." Ever since we knew we were going to lose Leah, we have repeated the mantras that "God knows best," "He doesn't give us more than we can handle," and "Everything happens for a reason." It is still beyond me what He has in store for our family, but I am very grateful to get the chance to raise a little girl - something that I was so scared to do before I had Leah. We are looking ahead to the future with anticipation and excitement!.... and lots and lots of pink stuff!!
It was POSITIVE!
I honestly wasn't sure whether or not to believe it, but I learned my lesson when pregnant with Bryce to only use the digital tests - there was no mistaking how many lines you could see. The result was clear as day.
PREGNANT
I was so excited that I immediately prayed a prayer of thankfulness and in the same breath asked for a healthy baby that we would be able to bring home.
I took my shower, got dressed, and then went into Bryce's room to help get him ready for school. I told Jason I wanted to show him something and held up the test.
I don't think that I've ever really seen someone jump for joy... but boy did he! His reaction, "Really?" I just nodded my head as I was speechless and now consumed with tears of happiness, excitement, and fear.
Jason gave me the biggest hug ever, then turned to Bryce and said, "Bryce, you're going to be a big brother again!" Bryce just looked at Jason and said, "I am?"
I'm quite sure that both Jason and I walked around with silly grins on our faces for a few days.
(Best. Secret. Ever!)
We decided later that day that we once again were going to keep this secret until we knew that everything was going to be okay. Not only did I not want to get OUR hopes up, I didn't want the job of disappointing other people again. I called my doctor and scheduled an appointment.
Seven weeks into my pregnancy, we sat in the doctor's office waiting anxiously. When the nurse came out to get me, she quipped, "You sure do love us here, don't you?" She confirmed that I was pregnant and my due date of 12/12/12! At that moment - I began hoping that this meant some kind of luck for us. My doctor hugged me when she came into the room and had a plan already laid out for how we could approach this pregnancy differently. First, I would get an ultrasound that day to confirm that baby was growing appropriately. Then, bet 14-18 weeks, I would go to the Perinatologist for my anatomy scan that they would normally do in the office. This way we could bypass any waiting in case something were to come up. If any further testing needed to be done, we could do it right then and there. Doing the scan earlier would also, hopefully, reduce my anxiety about being pregnant again. I would be scheduled for a c-section at 39 weeks (due to my previous 2). Last, she asked if I would mind staying on as her private patient again (the office has approx. 7 doctors), which I gladly accepted. I did not want to go through all of my fears and worries at every appointment having to recount my experience with Leah. It was great to know that she would fully know and understand all of my crazy thoughts that may pop into my head during this pregnancy. We were so happy that she was prepared and had a plan in place!
We had to go back into the waiting room before the ultrasound. We talked about how we liked the plan that was in place and started joking about having twins. I think we have done this before every initial ultrasound for each of our babies. Just the thought of "What if there are really 2 babies?" or "Wouldn't it be cool to have twins and be done?" We always just laugh it off and hope for a healthy baby.
The ultrasound tech was a new bubbly girl - and that made me happy. I don't have fond memories of the woman who scanned me for Leah and kept making faces at the screen. She scanned me for a bit and then called in the doctor. They were talking to each other for a minute and we heard whispers of "2 sacs" and "1 heartbeat." My doctor turned to us and said something like "Well, it looks at though you conceived twins. There are 2 sacs, but only 1 of them has a heartbeat and is growing quite perfectly." She must have seen the look on my face (excitement, then horror), and quickly added, "You just need to concentrate on the fact that you have 1 very healthy, perfect baby. The other will just reabsorb back into your uterus." "Okay," was all that I could mutter. After she left, I remember asking the technician if that was weird... I meant to say rare, common, etc., but my mind wasn't working correctly... All I could think was, "We lost another one?" She said that it wasn't weird, but didn't elaborate. She gave us a few pictures, wished us luck and off we went.
I cried all the way home. First, the shock that I actually had been pregnant with twins! (OMG!) Then, the sadness that one either hadn't fully developed or had already had a brief life. That night was full of computer research that I swore I would never do again! This time, it proved helpful and not quite as scary. What we were experiencing was called Vanishing Twin Syndrome. It is actually very common, but many people never know due to not having an early ultrasound. This made me feel a tiny bit better, but weighed heavily on me for several weeks after.
Actually, it was still weighing on my mind in July, when we finally got to have our anatomy scan at the Perinatologist. I actually thought that maybe the other baby had been developing and was just behind at the earlier ultrasound - I was super sick during my 1st Trimester - so in my mind I was thinking, "It must be twins!" The Perinatologist.... It made me sick to my stomach. Starting probably 3 or 4 days before, I was getting sick and crying just thinking about returning to the same building, same doctor, same room as we had with Leah. I didn't even want to know if we were having a boy or a girl, I just wanted the peace of mind of knowing that this baby was HEALTHY!
We decided to take Bryce with us to the appointment, even knowing that we could get bad news. Bryce insisted from the moment we told him we were expecting again that the baby was a "Princess." Jason said that it would probably be a good idea to find out the gender, as I was completely opposed this time around, so that Bryce could get used to the idea of his new sibling a little easier. Score 1 point for Daddy - great thinking! I was certainly not going to be the one to burst his bubble of having a Princess if it turned out to be a boy. We'll let the ultrasound technician do the convincing!
Our technician was a very nice girl who had an intern shadowing her. This was actually pretty nice because she was explaining every little thing that she was measuring and seeing in detail. As she was doing this, I was going through a checklist in my head: Brain development - good. Heart chambers - all there and working well. Heartbeat - excellent. Bone structure - good. Bone length - perfect! She even mentioned what long legs the baby had! This was HUGE news! We knew that our chance of having another baby with Thanataphoric Dysplasia was less than 1%, but hearing that this baby's bones were normal was music to our ears! So far, so good. Oh, and by this point, there was no mention of twins - so we really were only having 1 baby. Next, she said she had a perfect shot to tell us our baby's gender and asked if we wanted to know. Hesitantly, I said yes, and told her that Big Brother kept telling us that it was a Princess. She scanned for another minute and announced, "Well, Big Brother was right - you're having a Princess!" I immediately started bawling as she handed me some tissues. I hadn't realized until that very moment how badly my heart ached for another baby girl. I was so happy!!! I looked over and Jason had tears in his eyes but a HUGE smile on his face and Bryce's smile was just a big.
They say that children hold the secrets to the world, and I firmly believe it. Bryce was definitely clued in about our new "Princess." Ever since we knew we were going to lose Leah, we have repeated the mantras that "God knows best," "He doesn't give us more than we can handle," and "Everything happens for a reason." It is still beyond me what He has in store for our family, but I am very grateful to get the chance to raise a little girl - something that I was so scared to do before I had Leah. We are looking ahead to the future with anticipation and excitement!.... and lots and lots of pink stuff!!
1 comment:
Kim I love your raw honesty and willingness to share your journey with us. I pray for you often and am so very excited for your family! Can't wait to see you again and how much your belly has grown. God is good and remember - He is always with you!
XOXO
DOlores
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