Monday was an emotional roller coaster. Tuesday and Wednesday weren't much better. Keeping Leah with us seemed like the most natural thing to do. We never sent Bryce back to the nursery when he was born, so why do it with her? We wanted to be able to hold her and snuggle her whenever we wanted (basically for the rest of our lives), but knew that we couldn't. We needed to decide when to "let go" so that we could still keep only the best memories of her.You would think that your daughter who you've only met for an hour or so passing away in your arms would be the most terrible life experience you would have to endure. But deciding when and how to say good-bye to her forever was absolutely the most heart-wrenching experience of our lives. We did know that whenever we did say good-bye that we could ask to see her later on if we wanted to. This was comforting and reassuring in case we changed our minds. We each took turns snuggling her, talking to her, and kissing her. We held her together and told her how much we love her and how proud of her we are. Our lives will never be the same all because we had the opportunity to carry her, get to know her, and love her for 34 weeks and 5 days. In that short time frame, she has taught us more about love and life than we've known in our almost 30 years. We called the nurse and told her that we were ready to say good-bye. We fixed up her little outfit, swaddled her in her blanket, hugged and kissed her like crazy, told her we love her and that we can't wait to see her again. We placed her in the bassinet and the nurse took her to the special baby place to wait to be transferred into the care of the funeral home. We sobbed for quite some time, but knew deep in our hearts that we were doing the right thing for ourselves and for Leah.
Bryce came to visit us shortly after we let her go and helped get our minds in a different place for the time being. We took a walk down the hall, he charmed the nurses into giving him a Big Brother sticker, and found the latex gloves which caused at least 30 minutes of entertainment! It was getting close to his dinner time, so his Godparents took him home after TONS of hugs and kisses from Mommy & Daddy.
It was weird to be all alone, but it gave us an opportunity to have candid conversation, to cry, and talk about all the memories that we had made with Leah. We stayed up late just talking and getting some ideas together for how we were going to remember her. We also had some paperwork to fill out for the funeral home, the paperwork for her birth certificate!!!! (You have no idea how excited we were to get this considering the other events that could've taken place.) and death certificate.
I did not sleep at all. It was a looong night!
In the morning, the Doctor that was making rounds told me I was allowed to go home or I was more than welcome to stay another night if I wasn't feeling up to leaving yet. It was a toss up. I really wanted to go home and start getting back to normal and just get out of the hospital. On the other hand, it was so quiet and peaceful and the nursing staff was so supportive and understanding. We decided to leave in the afternoon. As I was being wheeled out Braham's Lullaby started playing over the speakers which meant that a baby had just been born. I lost it as it was just a day and half ago that I got to push that same button to play the song for my baby after she had already passed. It didn't help either that the only way out was walking past the nursery. Once we were in the car, we cried for the first 10-15 minutes and talked about how unfair it was that we went into the hospital as 3 and came out as 2 with Baby Bunny in the carseat and not Leah.
We came home to an empty house. (We had asked everyone to leave.) It was peaceful as we unpacked, opened cards, and placed flower arrangements that were waiting for us. Showering at home felt great and so did eating "real" food. We picked Bryce up from school to the biggest squeals for Daddy and Mommy! We learned that his teachers and the staff had made arrangements for dinner to be provided to us for the rest of this week and next week too. Once again, we were shocked and speechless at the generosity of others. Our parents had finally made it in to town by Wednesday. Jason and I are ready for bed. Thank you again for all of the prayers, cards, text messages, comments, emails, and gifts. It helps lift our spirits knowing that we are surrounded in prayer.
Bryce came to visit us shortly after we let her go and helped get our minds in a different place for the time being. We took a walk down the hall, he charmed the nurses into giving him a Big Brother sticker, and found the latex gloves which caused at least 30 minutes of entertainment! It was getting close to his dinner time, so his Godparents took him home after TONS of hugs and kisses from Mommy & Daddy.
It was weird to be all alone, but it gave us an opportunity to have candid conversation, to cry, and talk about all the memories that we had made with Leah. We stayed up late just talking and getting some ideas together for how we were going to remember her. We also had some paperwork to fill out for the funeral home, the paperwork for her birth certificate!!!! (You have no idea how excited we were to get this considering the other events that could've taken place.) and death certificate.
I did not sleep at all. It was a looong night!
In the morning, the Doctor that was making rounds told me I was allowed to go home or I was more than welcome to stay another night if I wasn't feeling up to leaving yet. It was a toss up. I really wanted to go home and start getting back to normal and just get out of the hospital. On the other hand, it was so quiet and peaceful and the nursing staff was so supportive and understanding. We decided to leave in the afternoon. As I was being wheeled out Braham's Lullaby started playing over the speakers which meant that a baby had just been born. I lost it as it was just a day and half ago that I got to push that same button to play the song for my baby after she had already passed. It didn't help either that the only way out was walking past the nursery. Once we were in the car, we cried for the first 10-15 minutes and talked about how unfair it was that we went into the hospital as 3 and came out as 2 with Baby Bunny in the carseat and not Leah.
We came home to an empty house. (We had asked everyone to leave.) It was peaceful as we unpacked, opened cards, and placed flower arrangements that were waiting for us. Showering at home felt great and so did eating "real" food. We picked Bryce up from school to the biggest squeals for Daddy and Mommy! We learned that his teachers and the staff had made arrangements for dinner to be provided to us for the rest of this week and next week too. Once again, we were shocked and speechless at the generosity of others. Our parents had finally made it in to town by Wednesday. Jason and I are ready for bed. Thank you again for all of the prayers, cards, text messages, comments, emails, and gifts. It helps lift our spirits knowing that we are surrounded in prayer.
1 comment:
Crying with you and praying for you!!! (((HUGS)))
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