As the weeks have passed on and life has continued, a few things keep coming to mind.
#1 I am having a huge issue with the remaining 10-15lbs left over from being pregnant. It has only been 8 weeks and I guess I just expect it to disappear. Every time I undress and see my stomach it's a constant reminder to me that my baby should be here. I REALLY miss being pregnant! I loved every minute of it! It was difficult towards the end and I honestly don't know if I would've even made it a few weeks longer, but it sure was worth it! I was in pain and uncomfortable most of the time because of all of the extra fluid, but I would've lived like that forever to keep Leah with us.
#2 Sometimes we wonder if Leah would've survived longer if she wasn't born so early. Maybe her lungs would've developed more. Maybe we could've spent 2 hours with her instead of just one. But then we think back to when we unwrapped her and began exploring all of her tiny little features and we saw just how small her chest was compared to the rest of her body. She would've been in so much pain:(
#3 I've began to separate the fact that we knew Leah wasn't going to be with us long (which makes me cry) and the fact that we lost a daughter, a part of our family (which makes me cry harder). I think after we were able to digest what her diagnosis was and what that meant for her, we just accepted that this is how it was going to be. We never painted or decorated her room or prepared for her arrival other than the basics that we wanted her to have (baby blanket, outfit, etc. and all of the medical advice). I know that if her room was decorated now, that I would sit in there constantly an cry over the things that should've been. I am actually grateful that we didn't have to go through the stress and torture of taking things down or giving them away. (It's been hard enough trying to get the courage to put away the few things that we do have.) I know that I wouldn't have been able to use her things for a future baby. I would never want Leah to think that we were trying to replace her.
#4 I was given a book on the day of Leah's service called Heaven is for Real and read it the following week. I can honestly say that I feel nothing but joy for Leah when I think about her in terms of this book. It is supposedly a true story about a young boy who visits Heaven during a surgery. He meets God, angels, family members that have passed away, an even a baby sister that his Mom has miscarried. This child's new knowledge is slowly leaked out to his family members over time in such an innocence and candid way that only a child can tell. (I work with kids... like it or not, they are brutally honest!) The beautiful portrayal of Heaven that he describes leaves me with no fears that Leah is in a better place and well taken care of. It says that God loves the children and wants everyone to be more child like - keep things simple. (It's a quick, easy read! - Read it... your perspective will change... mine did.) It has helped me find peace on rough days to picture her sitting in God's lap or playing with the Angels. I really hope that this is a true story!
#5 Ever since I became a Mom, I feel that my protective instincts have increased immensely. (My sister and husband tell me I'm psycho.) I have always been over-protective of Bryce about who, what, and where he is exposed to. I would sit and watch him sleep for hours just to make sure he was breathing. I'm okay with the day to day bumps and bruises that come with almost 2yr old territory and for him to be able to learn from these mishaps. I haven't posted any pictures of our family yet (You may have noticed that you can never really see our faces.) because I am (well...was... before Leah) a very private person who shares only minimal information with those that absolutely need to know. I fear getting too personal on here or Facebook or wherever, but at the same time, I now feel that I have a duty to share our journey so that others can benefit the way we did by other's who shared their experiences. Back to overprotective Mommy... since Leah died, I fear that something is going to happen to Bryce and that we're going to lose him too. (Do any of the other Mommy's who lost children out there have any advice or similar feelings?)
#6 Today, I was stopped by 2 different people who shared stories with me of how Leah has inspired them. The first person shared with me how she and her family were inspired by our faith and decided to join a church! I must admit, that Leah also inspired us to be more regular church go-ers! The second person lost a family member the same week that we lost Leah. She told me that we gave her strength and were models for her. I really didn't know what to say to either person besides "thank you for sharing that with me." I am honored that by us sharing Leah's journey, she is inspiring others! Jason and I never set out to inspire people or to be role models... just good parents. I know that there are people out there who would've chosen a different route. But we only ever wanted what was best for Leah and our family. I think that is a Mommy and Daddy's most important job - protect your children and do what is best for them.
#7 My last "ah ha" of the past few weeks. I still haven't found the right words to answer questions about "How's the baby?" I have tried different things each time, but I fumble over my words each time and sound like a bumbling idiot. I think part of the issue is that I know it's coming and start getting worked up or the total opposite, I had no idea the question was coming and am caught off guard. The other issue is that when I do feel confident to say, "She passed away," the other person is so shocked and taken aback that I don't know how to react. Again... anyone that has experienced this out there have any advice? I know that it will take a long time before this becomes "easy" (if ever)... but I'm open to suggestions:)
Lots of love to everyone!
#1 I am having a huge issue with the remaining 10-15lbs left over from being pregnant. It has only been 8 weeks and I guess I just expect it to disappear. Every time I undress and see my stomach it's a constant reminder to me that my baby should be here. I REALLY miss being pregnant! I loved every minute of it! It was difficult towards the end and I honestly don't know if I would've even made it a few weeks longer, but it sure was worth it! I was in pain and uncomfortable most of the time because of all of the extra fluid, but I would've lived like that forever to keep Leah with us.
#2 Sometimes we wonder if Leah would've survived longer if she wasn't born so early. Maybe her lungs would've developed more. Maybe we could've spent 2 hours with her instead of just one. But then we think back to when we unwrapped her and began exploring all of her tiny little features and we saw just how small her chest was compared to the rest of her body. She would've been in so much pain:(
#3 I've began to separate the fact that we knew Leah wasn't going to be with us long (which makes me cry) and the fact that we lost a daughter, a part of our family (which makes me cry harder). I think after we were able to digest what her diagnosis was and what that meant for her, we just accepted that this is how it was going to be. We never painted or decorated her room or prepared for her arrival other than the basics that we wanted her to have (baby blanket, outfit, etc. and all of the medical advice). I know that if her room was decorated now, that I would sit in there constantly an cry over the things that should've been. I am actually grateful that we didn't have to go through the stress and torture of taking things down or giving them away. (It's been hard enough trying to get the courage to put away the few things that we do have.) I know that I wouldn't have been able to use her things for a future baby. I would never want Leah to think that we were trying to replace her.
#4 I was given a book on the day of Leah's service called Heaven is for Real and read it the following week. I can honestly say that I feel nothing but joy for Leah when I think about her in terms of this book. It is supposedly a true story about a young boy who visits Heaven during a surgery. He meets God, angels, family members that have passed away, an even a baby sister that his Mom has miscarried. This child's new knowledge is slowly leaked out to his family members over time in such an innocence and candid way that only a child can tell. (I work with kids... like it or not, they are brutally honest!) The beautiful portrayal of Heaven that he describes leaves me with no fears that Leah is in a better place and well taken care of. It says that God loves the children and wants everyone to be more child like - keep things simple. (It's a quick, easy read! - Read it... your perspective will change... mine did.) It has helped me find peace on rough days to picture her sitting in God's lap or playing with the Angels. I really hope that this is a true story!
#5 Ever since I became a Mom, I feel that my protective instincts have increased immensely. (My sister and husband tell me I'm psycho.) I have always been over-protective of Bryce about who, what, and where he is exposed to. I would sit and watch him sleep for hours just to make sure he was breathing. I'm okay with the day to day bumps and bruises that come with almost 2yr old territory and for him to be able to learn from these mishaps. I haven't posted any pictures of our family yet (You may have noticed that you can never really see our faces.) because I am (well...was... before Leah) a very private person who shares only minimal information with those that absolutely need to know. I fear getting too personal on here or Facebook or wherever, but at the same time, I now feel that I have a duty to share our journey so that others can benefit the way we did by other's who shared their experiences. Back to overprotective Mommy... since Leah died, I fear that something is going to happen to Bryce and that we're going to lose him too. (Do any of the other Mommy's who lost children out there have any advice or similar feelings?)
#6 Today, I was stopped by 2 different people who shared stories with me of how Leah has inspired them. The first person shared with me how she and her family were inspired by our faith and decided to join a church! I must admit, that Leah also inspired us to be more regular church go-ers! The second person lost a family member the same week that we lost Leah. She told me that we gave her strength and were models for her. I really didn't know what to say to either person besides "thank you for sharing that with me." I am honored that by us sharing Leah's journey, she is inspiring others! Jason and I never set out to inspire people or to be role models... just good parents. I know that there are people out there who would've chosen a different route. But we only ever wanted what was best for Leah and our family. I think that is a Mommy and Daddy's most important job - protect your children and do what is best for them.
#7 My last "ah ha" of the past few weeks. I still haven't found the right words to answer questions about "How's the baby?" I have tried different things each time, but I fumble over my words each time and sound like a bumbling idiot. I think part of the issue is that I know it's coming and start getting worked up or the total opposite, I had no idea the question was coming and am caught off guard. The other issue is that when I do feel confident to say, "She passed away," the other person is so shocked and taken aback that I don't know how to react. Again... anyone that has experienced this out there have any advice? I know that it will take a long time before this becomes "easy" (if ever)... but I'm open to suggestions:)
Lots of love to everyone!
2 comments:
1. completely there with you!! I still have the last 10 lbs from Janie Beth. Pregnancies bother me more than infants because I miss being preggo with Janie Beth.
2. Did that one too! I just have to trust that God had it all under control.
4. It is on my table waiting to be read. Hubby read it and said it was really good. I, too, pray the book is true!
5. Yes, it is hard for me to let go of my other kiddos! I still miss them incredibly and have to pray a lot if they are spending the night somewhere.
7. Had to do that too. :( You just have to judge each situation as it comes. I still judge each situation as it comes when it comes to how many children I have. There are days I don't go into the details, but she is always in my heart.
Michelle, Thank you for reading and for validating my feelings:)
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