I pray for peace.
Sometimes on a weekly basis, a daily basis, and even a moment-to-moment basis.
I have had major anxiety about this time of year because of what we endured last year at this very same time.
Being suggested to abort our baby. Being told that our baby wouldn't live more than a few minutes, if at all. Beginning to tell our family and friends that the sweet bundle of joy growing in my belly wouldn't be staying with us here on Earth for very long. It was a very rough time. I cried EVERY day.
I prayed for peace then. I continue to pray for peace... and some days, I feel like it's working.
Today, on Facebook, another Baby Loss Momma (BLM) posted a picture and a comment about whether other Moms felt they looked different in pictures before they lost a child than they afterwards. The response was an overwhelming "Yes!" I was one to agree. When I look at pictures from a few years ago to the beginning of my pregnancy with Leah, I can see the innocence in my eyes. I can see that I was naive to think that everything ended "Happily Ever After." And now, when I look in the mirror, when I look at pictures... I see a soul that can no longer be naive. But a soul that is cautious, pprotective, and worrisome. I know now that even things we want SO badly, don't end with "Happily Ever After."
I did have a grand realization though as I was reading the other women's comments. Even though losing Leah is the absolute worst thing that has ever happened in my life, I wouldn't change it. (Except for her being able to be here on Earth living with us.) My greatest loss has taught me so much about life, people, friends, and family. It has taught me that I am a MUCH stronger person than I ever thought I was. It has taught me what is really important and what is not. I feel that I now put my time and energy where my time and energy is needed and valued. Though I have always LOVEd being Bryce's Mommy, I even see my role as a Mother though different eyes. I have built and continue to try and build a better relationship with God. My relationship is stronger with my Husband simply because of our experience with Leah.
My daughter was not supposed to live.... and she did for one hour and nine minutes. For one hour and nine minutes she lived with us, breathed with us, and even cried a few times!
That to me is a miracle. And that alone brings me peace.
Sometimes on a weekly basis, a daily basis, and even a moment-to-moment basis.
I have had major anxiety about this time of year because of what we endured last year at this very same time.
Being suggested to abort our baby. Being told that our baby wouldn't live more than a few minutes, if at all. Beginning to tell our family and friends that the sweet bundle of joy growing in my belly wouldn't be staying with us here on Earth for very long. It was a very rough time. I cried EVERY day.
I prayed for peace then. I continue to pray for peace... and some days, I feel like it's working.
Today, on Facebook, another Baby Loss Momma (BLM) posted a picture and a comment about whether other Moms felt they looked different in pictures before they lost a child than they afterwards. The response was an overwhelming "Yes!" I was one to agree. When I look at pictures from a few years ago to the beginning of my pregnancy with Leah, I can see the innocence in my eyes. I can see that I was naive to think that everything ended "Happily Ever After." And now, when I look in the mirror, when I look at pictures... I see a soul that can no longer be naive. But a soul that is cautious, pprotective, and worrisome. I know now that even things we want SO badly, don't end with "Happily Ever After."
I did have a grand realization though as I was reading the other women's comments. Even though losing Leah is the absolute worst thing that has ever happened in my life, I wouldn't change it. (Except for her being able to be here on Earth living with us.) My greatest loss has taught me so much about life, people, friends, and family. It has taught me that I am a MUCH stronger person than I ever thought I was. It has taught me what is really important and what is not. I feel that I now put my time and energy where my time and energy is needed and valued. Though I have always LOVEd being Bryce's Mommy, I even see my role as a Mother though different eyes. I have built and continue to try and build a better relationship with God. My relationship is stronger with my Husband simply because of our experience with Leah.
My daughter was not supposed to live.... and she did for one hour and nine minutes. For one hour and nine minutes she lived with us, breathed with us, and even cried a few times!
That to me is a miracle. And that alone brings me peace.
1 comment:
Kim - I love you and I am so happy to be considered your friend! You are an amazing person and although I am devestated that you had to go through this tragic loss - Leah was a gift to me as well. I met an angel on March 8th and I will never forget it. You will never be alone as long as you have God in your heart and He alone will guide you through your path. Know that Leah is walking with angels and Jesus has her securely in His arms now and always. Until you can be there for her again.
XOXO
DOlores
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