In the past few weeks, I have had the opportunity to talk with a few other BLMs who have gone on to have other children. One has assured me that as life goes on, I will always carry my heartache, but that it will get easier to manage over time. The other is currently pregnant and I just had to ask her if she was scared... her reply, "Terrified." I love that she was honest with me.
I have been having baby fever like crazy, but "terrified" is my exact feeling about becoming pregnant again. It might be because so many friends are having babies or sharing their pregnancy news. But I honestly think it's because I long to hold my baby girl in my arms! This coming Tuesday, Leah would turn 11 months old. I have been perusing websites for 1st birthday ideas, themes, and dresses. I hate that we will be celebrating without her. I hate that I have no idea what theme she would like or even what toys would be her favorites.
Last week, when I was dropping Bryce off at school, we noticed that Leah's hibiscus tree had a single, new flower. I told him that after school we could go see it. I love that he feels ownership over this tree - the tree that HE planted at HIS school where Leah would be going after she turned 1. It was just beginning to bud, but reminded me that our "new" life is too. We have been through a rough year of ups and downs, but keep hoping with time that things will get easier. I am looking forward to Leah's 1st birthday, with a heavy heart, but also with optimism:) I do trust that God has something wonderful planned for my family even though we have no idea what that may be. I feel that God has been healing my heart through amazing friends and family and the bestest (yes.. bestest) little 2 year old ever!
Tonight, while with friends that we haven't seen for a very long time, one asked "which one" Bryce was - "the youngest or oldest."
Me: "He's my oldest."
Friend: "Well, how old's the little one now?"
Me: "Uhhh... She's no longer with us....."
Friend: <Just staring at me.>
Me: "She passed away."
Friend: Now coming over to me to hug me and apologize for not knowing....
Even though this conversation was extremely frustrating and heart-wrenching, I feel that I finally had a prayer answered that I had been asking God about for a long time... How do I answer those questions when they arise? I definitely feel that God was with me in this situation, guiding me through. My conversation went on with this person as she asked more questions and I proudly told her of Leah's little life.... I really did feel like such a proud parent! I know that this isn't always going to be the case, but it's definitely a start to new beginnings:)
I have been having baby fever like crazy, but "terrified" is my exact feeling about becoming pregnant again. It might be because so many friends are having babies or sharing their pregnancy news. But I honestly think it's because I long to hold my baby girl in my arms! This coming Tuesday, Leah would turn 11 months old. I have been perusing websites for 1st birthday ideas, themes, and dresses. I hate that we will be celebrating without her. I hate that I have no idea what theme she would like or even what toys would be her favorites.
Last week, when I was dropping Bryce off at school, we noticed that Leah's hibiscus tree had a single, new flower. I told him that after school we could go see it. I love that he feels ownership over this tree - the tree that HE planted at HIS school where Leah would be going after she turned 1. It was just beginning to bud, but reminded me that our "new" life is too. We have been through a rough year of ups and downs, but keep hoping with time that things will get easier. I am looking forward to Leah's 1st birthday, with a heavy heart, but also with optimism:) I do trust that God has something wonderful planned for my family even though we have no idea what that may be. I feel that God has been healing my heart through amazing friends and family and the bestest (yes.. bestest) little 2 year old ever!
Tonight, while with friends that we haven't seen for a very long time, one asked "which one" Bryce was - "the youngest or oldest."
Me: "He's my oldest."
Friend: "Well, how old's the little one now?"
Me: "Uhhh... She's no longer with us....."
Friend: <Just staring at me.>
Me: "She passed away."
Friend: Now coming over to me to hug me and apologize for not knowing....
Even though this conversation was extremely frustrating and heart-wrenching, I feel that I finally had a prayer answered that I had been asking God about for a long time... How do I answer those questions when they arise? I definitely feel that God was with me in this situation, guiding me through. My conversation went on with this person as she asked more questions and I proudly told her of Leah's little life.... I really did feel like such a proud parent! I know that this isn't always going to be the case, but it's definitely a start to new beginnings:)
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