I wanted to post this yesterday, but couldn't get through writing it... I cannot believe that four weeks have come and gone. There are some days that I close my eyes and it feels like Leah's birthday. It all feels so real, like it's happening all over again. I can hear her cries, smell her sweet skin, an feel her warmth. And then there are the days, where I close my eyes so tightly and it feels like I can't reach back and grasp that day with a 10-foot pole. Each day brings a new challenge of trying to remember every memory of her vividly. I can't wait to get the rest of the photographs from our NILMTS photographer! I am so grateful that we found this organizaton as I know those pictures will help our memories of that special day. We have a few pictures on our camera, but you can't really see her face in any of them, as she was all bundled up.
I think I've done a such a great job of keeping myself occupied, that I've been able to "block out" the fact that Leah should be here. I know that probably sounds terrible... but I can't see letting myself sit and cry all day about my sweet baby who blessed our lives along with everyone who has come to know her. We knew for 14 weeks and 5 days after the ultrasound that we were not going to be able to keep Leah with us. We celebrated her life by talking about her, talking to her, and telling our family and friends about her. We read to her, sang to her, and prayed for her. We told her we loved her every single day, many times. So why now, should I cry for her? Leah gave the world so much more during her life than many people give over decades. If nothing else, she showed Jason, Bryce, and I what true love really is. How to love unselfishly. I know that Leah is in Heaven with God surrounded by his glory and love. Even though we know how much we could've loved her here on this Earth, we trust that God's love is much greater. We know that in Heaven, she doesn't have to worry about her lungs hurting her or any complications that her dwarifism may have caused her throughout her life. We know that He is the ultimate healer. We just hope that He saves some of that healing for our hearts.
Even with all of the above being said... Our hearts are broken. There's no other way to put it. We miss her so much. Selfishly, we want her here. We want to hold her and cuddle her. I want to nurse her, change her dirty diapers, and bathe her. We want to play with her, teach her things, and record all of the new baby milestones. I want to know what her relationship would be like with Bryce. He is such a sweet boy and I know that after the initial shock of having another little baby in the house, he would be a great helper and would want to love on Leah too!
I find that it's getting harder as the days go on. I know that this grieving process isn't going to be easy, but I hate the ups and downs and when things hit you out of nowhere. I was driving to the store the yesterday and heard a song about getting married and realized that I'd never go dress shopping with Leah or see her Daddy walk her down the aisle. I had to sit in the car for a while before going in to regain my composure. On the boat this past weekend, as Bryce took to the water like a fish, I relaized that I'd never get to share my love of the water with her or teach her how to swim or water-ski. And Bryce... everytime I look at him, it reminds me of Leah's sweet face and what we're missing with her. Two weekends ago, I was faced with the reality that some people who knew I was pregnant, didn't know anything was wrong. Since my big belly was nowhere to be found, they asked the obvious questions, "How's the baby?" and "How does Bryce like being a Big Brother?" I didn't really know what to say... I stumbled over my words as I simply whispered that she passed soon after she was born as tears rolled down my cheeks. These people were very empathetic and very sweet and wanted to know more. I told them about our sweet girl and then we smiled. Smile:) It's what we do to get through the tough times and our new reality. We just keep believing that Leah is in Heaven with a God that loves her SO much! And that makes us smile:)
I think I've done a such a great job of keeping myself occupied, that I've been able to "block out" the fact that Leah should be here. I know that probably sounds terrible... but I can't see letting myself sit and cry all day about my sweet baby who blessed our lives along with everyone who has come to know her. We knew for 14 weeks and 5 days after the ultrasound that we were not going to be able to keep Leah with us. We celebrated her life by talking about her, talking to her, and telling our family and friends about her. We read to her, sang to her, and prayed for her. We told her we loved her every single day, many times. So why now, should I cry for her? Leah gave the world so much more during her life than many people give over decades. If nothing else, she showed Jason, Bryce, and I what true love really is. How to love unselfishly. I know that Leah is in Heaven with God surrounded by his glory and love. Even though we know how much we could've loved her here on this Earth, we trust that God's love is much greater. We know that in Heaven, she doesn't have to worry about her lungs hurting her or any complications that her dwarifism may have caused her throughout her life. We know that He is the ultimate healer. We just hope that He saves some of that healing for our hearts.
Even with all of the above being said... Our hearts are broken. There's no other way to put it. We miss her so much. Selfishly, we want her here. We want to hold her and cuddle her. I want to nurse her, change her dirty diapers, and bathe her. We want to play with her, teach her things, and record all of the new baby milestones. I want to know what her relationship would be like with Bryce. He is such a sweet boy and I know that after the initial shock of having another little baby in the house, he would be a great helper and would want to love on Leah too!
I find that it's getting harder as the days go on. I know that this grieving process isn't going to be easy, but I hate the ups and downs and when things hit you out of nowhere. I was driving to the store the yesterday and heard a song about getting married and realized that I'd never go dress shopping with Leah or see her Daddy walk her down the aisle. I had to sit in the car for a while before going in to regain my composure. On the boat this past weekend, as Bryce took to the water like a fish, I relaized that I'd never get to share my love of the water with her or teach her how to swim or water-ski. And Bryce... everytime I look at him, it reminds me of Leah's sweet face and what we're missing with her. Two weekends ago, I was faced with the reality that some people who knew I was pregnant, didn't know anything was wrong. Since my big belly was nowhere to be found, they asked the obvious questions, "How's the baby?" and "How does Bryce like being a Big Brother?" I didn't really know what to say... I stumbled over my words as I simply whispered that she passed soon after she was born as tears rolled down my cheeks. These people were very empathetic and very sweet and wanted to know more. I told them about our sweet girl and then we smiled. Smile:) It's what we do to get through the tough times and our new reality. We just keep believing that Leah is in Heaven with a God that loves her SO much! And that makes us smile:)
3 comments:
Kim, I know you must feel like this pain will never end but remember the Lord our savior said in 1 Corinthians 10:13 ....And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted he will provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.
Remember no matter what HE is there for you, He will provide a way out. He will guide you in the direction you are to go. Stand strong, stay faithful and pray. I know I am for you and your family.
Blessings,
Tracy
Hi Kim! I wish I had read this before I saw you today. We could have skipped the movie and sat together to talk, cry, reminice, or whatever. I am here for you any time that you need me to be.
Love and Prayers,
DOlores
You are such a strong woman of God! I am sorry it's getting harder as the days pass.....I know how you feel. When you feels sad just imagine our sweet girls running the streets of gold hand in hand, all the while watching over us :)
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