Days 9-10

Day 9: If you have other children, how has your loss affected them? 

Bryce was so young (and still is), I think, to truly comprehend what happened. I do have to say though, that for having the mind of a babe, he understands way more than I ever thought he would.

When I was pregnant with Leah, we made sure he was a part of everything, at the ripe old age of 15 months. I know that he felt like he was a part of something even if he wasn't really sure what that was. He loved hugging and kissing my belly (until it got too big that Mommy didn't have a lap anymore.)

It was hugely important to us that Bryce was at the hospital to meet his sister after she was born. Thankfully, my brother and sister were able to bring him directly into the recovery room where we all spent the rest of Leah's life together. He was able to talk to her, to touch her, and love her as a then 19 month old could. We took some pictures of him pointing at her nose and sneaking peeks of her. But my most favorite picture is the one of him giving her a "good-bye" kiss.

Since she's been gone, I have struggled with what to tell him about her. I basically haven't left much out - but in the terms that he can understand. "Leah was sick and went to Heaven to live with Jesus." We read books about Angels and Heaven and "We Were to have a Baby, but had an Angel Instead." When he plays "doctor" he tells us that that's what he wants to be when he grows up - "to help babies like Leah." I don't even know if he knows what he is saying, but it is heartbreaking and uplifting at the same time. When people ask him about him about his pink blanket - he proudly tells them that it is Leah's and she is in Heaven. He loves the trees that we have in remembrance of her. He is always checking out the Magnolia tree in our yard for new flowers and little creatures that like to live on it:) He loves "his" tree at school that he planted and we often stop by to take pictures with it - and he always hugs it good-bye!

I think our toughest challenge has been with this pregnancy. Sometimes, he says that Leah is in my belly. Sometimes he says that we already have a sister and that he is already a Big Brother. (That makes me smile.) The one that it took us forever to figure out was when he was saying that the new baby was going to live "up high." We thought that it was from "Rock-a-bye baby in the tree top." When I was telling our Hospice counselor about it, her immediate response was "Heaven." DING! DING! DING! Sirens started going off in my head...How could I have missed that? She was so right! Bryce didn't think that this baby was coming home! (No wonder he was refusing to give up is playroom! - It made total sense.) All he knew was that Mommy had a big belly, he had a sister who lives in Heaven and that was it.

After many conversations about the new baby and allowing him to be a part of Doctor's appointments, ultrasounds, picking out clothes, and choosing paint colors and rooms decorations...I think he finally knows that we're bringing her home. He also also been making plans of everything he is going to help with and things that he is going to teach her!

Day 10: If you have Rainbows, do they know about your Angels?

SHE WILL:)