Days 5-7

Okay, so I am terrible at posting everyday, but at least I am keeping up with this! (So far.)

Day 5: Do you ever get subtle reminders of your Angel? If so, what are they? **winks**

All the time... and always when we seem to need it most!

Everyone that knows about Leah, knows that we released butterflies at her service.

Several of those butterflies actually made their way to our house that very weekend and stayed with us for a few weeks. It was amazing! It made us feel that even though she was gone, she was still here with us.

At my school, we have several butterfly gardens for the kids and ever since Leah passed away, many of the teachers and even some of my former students, make it a point to tell me when butteflies are around. This  is probably the sweetest thing, because I know that others have not forgotten that she lived!

My friend, Rachael, has always made our butterflies seem extra special. She is an amazing photographer and loves to photograph nature. The first time she posted pictures of butterflies, she mentioned Leah. Also, on one of her nature walks, she found a perfectly, in-tact butterfly that "didn't make it." She took it home, preserved it, and framed it for fus with a quote from the Bible underneath! It is so amazing! She did this long ago and I just haven't posted about it yet, but it definitely deserves a post of it's own:)

I love when Jason, Bryce and I are out and about and butterflies just happen to be around.

It always makes me smile! Like she is just fluttering by to say "Hi!"

Right after Leah's passing, there were many rainbows!

Knowing in the baby loss world that a "Rainbow Baby" is a baby that comes after a loss because it's the beauty after all of the rain, gave me so much hope! Never ever, would we think to try and replace Leah, but the hope of being able to actually bring home another baby never faded. The rainbows always appeared at the most perfect times. Once when we were visiting the cemetery, we saw the most vibrant double rainbow. Another time, it was right after one of my best friends lost an Aunt that was so close to her and I told her, "Don't worry, Leah is there waiting for her," a rainbow appeared before I even finished.

Day 6: How do you answer the question of how many children you have?

This is quite possibly one of the hardest questions to answer after losing a child.

I had a really hard time with it right after Leah's passing. I would stumble over my words evey time.

I always wanted to tell everyone about her. I soon realized that I couldn't deal with the way that people reacted or the way that I reacted (dumbfounded) at what should be a cut and dry question and answer.

I began gauging the person who was asking. If it was someone in the grocery store or someone that I knew I would probably not see again, I would just say "one."

With people that I knew would either find out another way or that I would be in contact with again, I simply

 began telling them that we have Bryce, but also "have a daughter who passed away the day she was born."

With this new pregnancy, the thing that hurts the most is when people ask if I'm having a boy or girl.

When I say "girl" they get all excited and say "How nice to have one of each!" - Exactly what was said when I was pregnant with Leah and answered the same question. It wasn't so "nice" then, because I just wanted to tell them that we wouldn't be able to keep her. And it's not "nice" now, because we really have 1 boy and 2 girls. But again, it's just too much to explain in the check-out line or to someone who doesn't matter.

So at that point I just smile and end the conversation.

Day 7: Do you do something to honor your Angel? If so, what?

Not nearly as much as I want to.

I want to write a book.

I want to start a charity or a foundation in her name to help families of baby loss.

I want to do more.

In the mean time, we have participated in the March of Dimes March for Babies, our Hospice Stepping Stones walk (the program that has helped us through losing Leah in many ways), and donating money in her name to various organizations each year.

I have also continued to Blog. I started it for her and I will continue to do it as long and Jason and I comfortbale doing so. It is a continuation of her life.

It's a start.

Other things that I also consider "honoring" Leah are:

Talking about her each and every day.

Talking with Bryce about her whenever he asks or mentions her.

Keeping her picture and mementos of her throughout our house.

Keeping her in our bedtime prayers.

*Maybe* using a part of her name when naming our new baby girl!?